Chronicles of unrequited love(part 1)

DAY ONE

 

I don't remember the exact moment it happened .All I remember is the fear that it was happening. I was being drawn like a moth the light. I tried to resist as much as I could but I don't know if I was just too weak or I am just a naïve optimistic person. It doesn't matter now anyway.

It was raining and we were walking to the stage. I think it was how you placed your hand protectively around me. It​ got me thinking that you were the caring type. It felt safe and for a moment I allowed myself to think . You see before you showed up in my life I had grown accustomed to being dependent only on me. Everyone who knows me would tell you I was shut off. I rarely let people in, it was just not how I rolled. I had not realized how much I lived in  my own bubble. In truth, up to that moment I had felt content . I had let life just pass me by as I closed myself up. I figured if you don't let anyone in then it will be okay ... they won't hurt you if they can't reach you was my mantra. In hindsight maybe I should have stuck to that because take a look at where I stand now.

Do you remember our first kiss? I do ..we had just made a promise that we would never hurt each other. If I remember clearly we did a pinky swear on it. Aint it funny that we actually believed that.

OH well I guess the glaring promise of love was shining too​ bright for us to see clearly. It was with much enthusiasm that we began the journey called a relationship. Slowly you broke my barriers and before I even realized it you had become an integral part of my life. I won't lie I was happy ,hell happy is an understatement . I was in cloud nine .

I kept my promise though I gave you what you had asked for. I gave you love, respect and all of me. I let you bask in the love and adoration you had awoken in my heart. I will be honest I  to some levels expected you to give me the same but I guess people love in different ways.

Still I found myself questioning why it felt like I was the only one who cared more. I found myself going crazy with questions such as how can you love someone but never be there for them? How do you love someone yet never consider their feelings before you do something. Questions, questions questions...... I tried my best to reason with you. I asked for answers but you said I was nagging. I wondered if perhaps I was no longer good enough for you so I tried harder . I fought harder .... but we both know how that ended.

I didn't mean to hurt you in my quest to make us work. I really just got frustrated because it felt like I kept trying to fix something that was already broken right from the start. In truth I don't blame you. I blame myself for staying when you gave me every reason to leave. I blame myself for loving you even when it became apparent you didn't feel the same. I blame myself for loving you  so much.

It was not easy to finally walk away ... what is silly is  that a part of me still wishes that you could love me back... I know if wishes were horses... Anyway I believe this happens to everyone at least once in their lifetime. I actually don't regret ever loving you .. but I do pray that I stop. Unrequited love sucks so I plan to move on. I can't keep my fingers crossed anymore wishing for a sign from you. They say the quickest way to forget someone is too get someone new but I still want to belong to  you so I guess I will wait till I am truly over you . I hope you keep only the good memories of us. I know that is how I would like to remember you.

I am sorry I still can't say goodbye

 

DAY TWO

I am trying to my best to move on. Today was hard ,it took everything in me not to call you. I really wanted to hear your voice . I really just miss you a lot . I miss talking to you. I miss cuddling under you in bed. I miss just laying on your chest and listening to your heart beat as you sleep. It really just hurts in my heart. Why can't I just snap my fingers and move on. Why do I still love you when I know I should not?Why do I still picture us smiling and being happy together? What is wrong with me?

My friends say I should just say yes to the various dates I get asked to. They assure me it is for my own good but should I be that selfish to give someone hopes for me when I know all I actually crave for is you?

Isn't life funny ,it never really gives you exactly what you prayed for without a twist .The most ironic thing is you were actually a prayer I didn't even know I had made. I guess that is why I keep holding on to you. I didn't know how much I needed you until I lost you.

I really don't even know whether to cry or to laugh at myself. You see I had promised myself never to love. I never thought love would have the power to make me so irrational. I always figured I am in control of my heart. I know stupid of me right?

Why does the heart want what it wants without taking time to assess every contingency? All my life I have never loved like this. I want you even when I am mad at you. I miss you almost all the time and I actually respect and value your opinions. I pray for you more than I pray for myself. Every time something amazing happens to me I keep wishing I could include you. In truth I want you to be happy. I want to see you achieve every thing you set out for.

Anyway being me . I have been lately throwing myself at work like it is my lifeline . As much as I get my things done and I remain on track with my dream , nothing seems to take my mind of you.

I know they say if you truly love someone then set them free and if they come back then they are meant for you. I am scared that you will not come back but I hope you will be happy wherever you go. Just promise me you will sometimes miss me and remember about the mundane things like how you liked my pancakes or how I said your name  or just my smile whenever you walked into the room. I know I will remember holding​ your hand as we walked around in town, kissing you goodbye as you left for work and every time I slice pepper , I remember that you actually don't like them.

Don't worry I am working on letting you go. You know me if I set my mind to it ,I do it. In a week or two am sure I will be done holding on to you.
It will have fully sunk in that we actually let it slip.