Tears on my pillow (part 1)

Daddy left when i was six.I remember  i was sitting on the sofa by the window,next to the door.It was around six in the evening .They had been shouting and then Mama began crying .I could hear Mama pleading ,begging him to stay .Daddy said he was fed up ,unhappy and he was done living in such manner.I remember Mama holding his ankles trying to stop him as he carried his suitcases  to the car.It was a sad sight to see.Daddy walked right past me like i didnt even exist ,not even a glance or a kiss goodbye .I sat at the sofa ,staring as he drove off into the dusk never to be seen from again.
I dared not to cry ,Mama was crying enough for the both of us ...I guess this is what Justin Timberlake meant when he sang  cry me a river.
Grandma said i had to be strong for Mama so i never let my mother see me cry.I was there to comfort her but sometimes it seemed i reminded her so much of my dad and she would be mad and sad all over again.Mama went on a downward spiral after that .We moved back to my grandparents home .Grandma said everything would be ok now that the worst storm has passed .If only she knew it was just beginning.I cried myself every night to sleep.I would twist and turn blaming myself for dad walking out.It had to be my fault ,Mama said everything was fine until i popped along. What did i do ? Was it because i kept playing even when Mama said i shouldn't? Was it because I refused to eat my supper on tuesday last week? I didnt know for certain what i did all i knew for sure was that it was my fault. I would pray that God would forgive me ,i didnt know better .I pleaded with Him to return my daddy to Mama .I swore i would behave ,i promised i would be the best kid in the world but God never brought him back.
Grandma was the only person who seemed to know my pain .She tried to explain the pain and the confusion away but at the moment i didnt really get all the things she would tell me.Sadly,as i have come to learn ,people always leave one way or another .Grandma passed away when i was ten . It felt like i was being desserted all over again.It hurt more because I thought God would be kind enough to give me atleast her.I guess that is where my anger issues with God and the world came about.
Mama seemed to go further into the deep end after that .I think for her that was the last straw.
I began having uncles,it seemed like half of the village men were mysteriously related to me .In a small village like that scandal like this were the end of someone.The judgement and the isolation became to much for Mama to bare.She sold everything we had and we left the village for the big city . I was taken in awe by the city ,everything seemed brighter  and larger than life. The uncles in the city were kinder and they seemed to have enough money to buy gifts for us.Mama seemed to be having the time of her life.She grew easily accustomed to the rythm of the city .I thought she was finally being her old happy self but i was wrong.Apparently ,the heroine was her joy ride and once it stopped she was back to her unhappy self.She  would be more mean and she would curl herself at a corner in our little shack.She would be shaking violently and i could barely understand anything she said.
Uncle Njenga was the only one who would come and give her the" powder" she needed to collect herself together.Most of the money she earned would always go to Uncle Njenga .We would go some days without food but she would not fail to pay him.I was already learning to survive  and I knew how to fend for myself.I  had come to realise i can only depend on me.
I remember one fateful evening when  Uncle Njenga came home and Mama could not  pay  for the" powder".Uncle Njenga threatened to have his way with me .Mama said she doesnt care ,I will finally be good for something.
I had  never thought in my wildest dream that my own mother would sell me for a pinch of heroine.It was as if  Uncle Njenga had gotten the greenlight he had been hoping for.He pounced on me like hungry lion would pounce on a helpless antelope.I tried to scream but he had his hand covering my mouth .I tried to kick and twist and turn but it was futile .I was only twelve and he was huge like a giant.I still remember his hands on my body ,I still remember the pain as he forced himself inside me.I remember turning to see my mom busy smoking her cigarette as he defiled me.It was the last image i remember before passing out.